matt was stressed out. he shared a few frustrations with me, mostly about his bro coworkers, and several guys that he went to college with. when we got into bed, he was still concerned.
he was quiet for a bit, then yelled, “i’m just tired of heteronormativity!!”
i laughed and kissed him all over
the most unbelievable thing to me is that one day, i went over to that guy’s friend’s house. their names are erik and michael. it was michael’s house. (it was not the friend in the below story, his name was john.)
they told me they wanted me to help clean up, because michael’s family was about to move. michael was 18, erik was 19. i was 14. michael left the room, and erik kissed me deeply. i was kissed. michael came back and made a joke. we laughed. we continued to clean. erik left. michael kissed me deeply. he got on top of me. he laughed. he had a tongue piercing.
i didn’t kiss, i was kissed. or ? was i.
it just kept going. my friend david cornered me and demanded to see my tits and wouldn’t let me leave until i took off my shirt. my friend jeff showed me his dick. my friend daniel put my hand on his hard dick through his jeans. my friend todd clambered on top of me when the lights went out briefly. i said, “i didn’t know you liked me,” and he said “what?” there was another much older guy who found me right before i entered high school and convinced me to french him every day for a week, under the bleachers. i didn’t like him, but i felt like it had to be done. and even girls: erik’s girlfriend amanda got me in the hallway. she kissed me and held me. a tall and physically intimidating goth girl named crystal cornered me in hallways and felt me up and kissed me, on several occasions.
it just goes on.
early in the morning, a few weeks ago, a thought crossed my mind, half- left-over from a dream: “i want a ring on my finger so no one will ever hit on me again.” i smiled so wide.
consent is confusing. what have i consented to? have i ever said yes to anything, or was i just going along? have i said yes to one thing (physical affection (or “affection”)) when i really wanted another (real affection)? how often?
that guy, he was 19, held back a grade or two. he was a senior, and i was a freshman. we went on a choir trip where a bunch of hormonal teenagers stayed in shared hotel rooms. stupid. that was so stupid.
my stomach hurt and he went back to my room with me. he was physically aggressive with me. very. he was very strong. later, i tried explaining to his friend why i was being “weird” with him. i didn’t know how to phrase it. i said, “well, he like…it was like…almost rape. i don’t know.” the guy laughed at me. “almost-rape? almost-rape is not a thing. sorry.”
ive been seeing his recent pictures on facebook so i was feeling weird because he looks totally different now, and i’m so glad he posted that old picture because heh heh he was pretty cute back then
this is a picture from 2005 of a boy (far left OF COURSE) who was cute for exactly 1 year in high school
and i got to kiss him during that year
he was two years younger than me and listened to a lot of “happy hardcore” (what he called edm/rave music)
he grew out of his cuteness but he still likes invader zim and all that
i have no regrets
the things that trigger mood swings are very stupid and small
im tired of my emotions tricking me
pretty early in the morning to feel like telling someone to fuck off